Holding on to something impossible~

It's slipping away...

I wonder how people can remain friends..

Throughout the years, with different schools and different friends..

Mutual friends get lesser..

And common topics get fewer..

It's like there's nothing left to say?

The feeling of awkwardness is back again.

Feeling out-of-place..

And all that..

No..

I'm not thinking too much.

I'm just trying to accept reality.

Afterall, friendship ain't a one-sided thing.

It's a relationship.

And it takes two hands to clap.

I feel like I'm holding on to something that's slowly..

But surely, slipping away.

Wonder if anyone else has noticed..

Though I'm glad that we all have new friends now..

New cliques..

New everything..

'Cause at least we're not alone..

But I kinda miss..

The days where we would talk..

So easily..

I kinda miss..

Being the one who knows all your stuff firsthand..

Instead of being the "Oh, you're kinda my close friend so I'll tell you" kinda friend.

*sigh*

So..

I really wonder how people maintain their friendships over the years..

♥Mandamandamanda G.

Unicorn, please?

Gimme my unicorn..

I'm not one to say that I regret what I've gone through..

'Cause I've learnt much from bearing the brunt of all the immaturity of others.

And though I won't say I blame those people anymore..

It still doesn't mean that I wanna talk to them.

It's not like they are talking to me, right?

They act like they don't know me and all..

And do you honestly think that I want to open myself up to all the hurt again?

No, thank you.

I guess in a way..

My sis is right.

But it's not like I expect anyone to understand.

It's not like I wanna "force" my two guy friends to have to go 'cause they don't wanna ps me..

I just didn't feel comfortable.

I felt weird.

Out-of-place.

Unsure of myself again.

Hate that feeling.

♥Mandamandamanda G.

Screwed up life..

Let me dream~

Okay, so maybe I'm not disabled.

Maybe I'm considered normal and all.

But that does not mean that I don't have problems.

And it's probably a problem everyone has as well.

But that also doesn't mean that it's not a problem.

I really hated my life back in my primary school days.

Surprise, surprise.

But now.

I just don't get it.

No.

I don't cry over this particular problem anymore.

I'm kinda like..immune to it?

It's just a pain in the neck now.

Like something so irritating you can't get rid of.

So, most days..

I wish I was home alone.

With no one to bother me.

No one to make so much noise.

No one to keep telling me to do this and that.

Freaking irritating.

But then after that, things are somewhat alright again.

It's so screwed up, I don't get it.

♥ MandamandamandaG.

p.s.

What could have been...

So adorable! :x

So today was T's birthday.

My passing of card was successful.

HAHA.

Wanted to give on the day itself so that it was more meaningful.

Econs tutor is so AWESOME!

She teaches like a pro!

Everything just clicked.

Though..

When I tried to do the questions, I got abit confused. :/

Yikeys.

Stayed back with C.A.M.S.

Then studied with Cyn, taught her Econs and went through things with her.

Hope she gets well soonsoonsoon.

Miss having her in class. :x

Went for Photog early 'cause the Lt was opened already. :X

We did Studio Photog today.

Was really interesting and really BLINDING. :X
Had loads of fun with all my new friends!
Especially teasing my meimei. :B

Photog ended at like 8plus.

Bus-ed home with Su Yi.

Dropped off earlier to meet T.

And you did something so unexpected, I didn't know how to respond.
But it was time to go, and we parted ways.
A goodbye formality, a way to say thank you.

So sweet, right? :B

-------------------

Got scolded for NOTHING today when I just got home not long.

Got blamed for something that wasn't even my fault.

Argh.

Good thing I proved my innocence.

Kay, gtg.

Nights.

♥ MandamandamandaG.

Capture the moments..

Click. Snap. Shoot.

So yea, if you haven't heard.

I had tons of fun during Photog Camp. :D

Was in the fun group. HAHA.

We were called LOMOcrew.
Made up of Afifah, Zul, Shaheera, Janice, Yang Yi, Marcus, Han Bin, Hong Yi and Me.

Partly 'cause we didn't know what group name to pick and partly 'cause of our cheer?

HAHA.

DAY ONE

Met Joanna at the bus-stop and we walked to Lt 51 together.

Waited outside as more people came.

Guess what?

The camp only consisted of 21 people!

Plus 4 Comm members and 2 helpers.

But.

Only 14 people turned up. :O

So tiny camp, much?

HAHA.

But partly 'cause of the small camp size, it was more intimate. :x

Got into Group 1.

Different from Joanna's.

Felt damn awkward.

But Afifah was my GL so yay!

She's in charge of the HMS and HS peeps. :D

And Zul was Game Master (Read: Sabo-master)

Played ice-breakers, forfeits and basically had lots of fun :D

Then Group 2 decided to join us and we had to play the Adjective game all over again.

It's basically where you take the first letter of your name and find an adjective.

Then you introduce yourself by saying the adjective first then your name.

So for me it was Amazing Amanda.

I know it sounds dumb but I wasn't thinking.

AHHA.

There were:

From my group... (except Zul)

Active Afifah

Huge Han Bin

Yummy Yang Yi

Horny Hong Yi

Mighty Marcus

Jumpy Janice

Sweet Shaheera

Amazing Amanda

and the others..

Kinky Kai Sheng

Wonderful Wilda

Serene Shu Yi

Dangerous Daniel (who just came to help out)

Smart Si Ying

Joker Jerome

Joyful Joanna

Jovial Jocelyn

eXtraordinary Xue Qi

Yeaaaaaa.

Get it?

HAHHA.

It was a good way to help remember everyone's name. :P

So Day One was spent playing station games.

The Moat Game, Broken Television, Photo Hunt and some team games.

Had sharing session and a photography training session after dinner.

Oh and we slept at Blk 50. :X

DAY TWO

We played this game where one group was supposed to be the Runners and the other the Catchers.

So the Runners had to run around the entire HS/LSCT block to find items.

While the Catchers had bells tied to their shoes and had to catch the Runners.

Once caught, the Runner has to give their strip of masking tape (represents 1 life) to the Catcher while having to go down to do a forfeit in order to get back their life.

Kinda like a Cat and Mouse game?

It was a damn tiring game.

And there was some bad blood during the game.

Such as scratching and anger and all that.

However, all was forgotten after the game. :D

But I loved the way my group worked together.

We were awesome in both roles!

And I believe that ultimately, we all had loads of fun. :D

Then next we had Water Games!

What we played was basically Captain's Ball.

Except we played with tennis balls and badminton rackets w/o strings.

And of course, with two people from each team throwing water bombs at the opponent.

Trust me, it was a damn muddy game.

We created mud, man! :O

After dinner, we had nightwalk.

Went to the playground near Kismis Field but got chased away by the security guard.

So we went up to the guys' apartment.

We were joined by the Poly Stage Factor (PSF) people for this nightwalk. :X

Chatted, joked around while waiting for our turn.

The PSF people went first and apparently, the first guy who went stood half an hour OUTSIDE the apartment door.

'Cause you had to like crawl into the pitch-black room. :X

We went in pairs.

And I was partnered with Jerome.

Was quite fun uh.

'Cause we were focusing on identifying people more than anything else.

HAHA.

And when we finished, we gathered at the girls' apartment.

Was really fun discussing the nightwalk.

Like what we did and what happened.

Interesting experience.

Was my first non-SU nightwalk and at the Loft too! :x

Laid in bed afterwards.

Couldn't sleep.

Thinking too much.

So I went out to chit-chat with Xue Qi and Jocelyn.

Slept around 3am plus?

DAY THREE

Had Amazing Race at town.

Where we basically used our cameras to take photos at different locations.

First location was Raffles Place and the theme was Architecture.

Next was Plaza Singapure and the theme was Street Photography.

Then, we had lunch at Kopitiam @ PS before heading to ION to take shots with Aperture.

And finally last place was *scape where we combined two themes together: Colourful Shutter.

That last station kinda failed, 'cause it was hard to shoot stuff.

We also didn't really get the theme? :X

There was the 100Plus Extra event going on.

And I saw loads of SU people there who were volunteering. :o

Played Taboo at the highest floor of *scape before heading back to school for debriefing.

Shared our thoughts and feedback.

Favourite and least favourite part of the camp.

Mine was the Cat and Mouse game and mostly just aching from camp respectively?

Most people loved the Nightwalk and hated the food.

HAHA. :P

Took group photos and I had to rush home to put down my camp bag and grab stuff before heading to the Esplanade for the Popkids event.

Was late by like 10mins, and went in together with Cyn.

Luckily, we texted Sian Eng first. :x

Had lots of fun dancing that night.

Made me understand why some people love to dance.

After the event, Cyn and I went to MBS for a walk.

Was my first time there!

Walked for a short while before we headed back to Esplanade but on the way, Cyn saw her parents' car and I hitched a ride to Cityhall MRT station. :x

♥ MandamandamandaG.

You wish...

Sometimes wishes do come true...

Read this book a few days back..

Didn't really like the beginning 'cause it was abit too bimbotic even for me.

AHAHAHA.

But the whole book turned out to be really impactful in some ways.

It made me realise that..

Sometimes, we can't really blame anyone but ourselves.

For example, if you find that you're left out and you don't belong.

Instead of blaming others for leaving you out, have you ever thought that maybe it was all caused by yourself?

Perhaps, you chose to not join in.

You chose to feel awkward.

It is all about choices.

And I'm beginning to realise that maybe..

I need to start making new ones.

♥ MandamandamandaG.

So...

Wanna feel alive again.

TBC was...not what I expected.

And hell, my expectations were already way low.

I was actually in the same group as SP, Brevian and Yun Qing but got pulled to another group at the last minute during reshuffling.

And guess what, my new group only had TWO girls, with the rest being guys.

And that girl was like a total stranger to me yet a friend of nearly everyone.

So...imagine the awkwardness.

:/

(It definitely wasn't pretty)

Throughout the entire camp, I just kept silent.

Participating in all the activities but never really speaking out.

Well, it wasn't only 'cause there were already people leading but rather the fact that I didn't have any better ideas.

So yea.

Silence was the way I dealt.

I was the quiet girl.

The one that was there yet not.

Thank goodness for Cyrus and Manfred in my group.

If not, I think I'd probably just book out of camp.

:o

This camp really showed me the different types of people there are in SU, and the many more others that I haven't seen before yet.

And also, how clique-ish they can get.

So clique-ish to the point where it's painful to even try to talk to them.

'Cause the minute you shut up, they turn away and find their buds.

So it's like, "Forget it."

I just stopped trying.

If it wasn't for tonning on the last night with SP, Yunqing, Cyrus and Kevin, the whole camp would have sucked even more.

:o

Playing with marbles on the floor then on a flag was fun, something to do while we were bored out of our minds.

HTHT with them was fun too, and Jen even joined in for awhile.

We got hungry after some time, went scouting for food at the Attic and this time Faiz joined us.

HAHA.

Had fun midnight snacking with them.

:D

People thought we were weird for sitting outside the toilets but the wind there was awesome.

And the second place we moved to was like outside the wall of the guys' toilet.

But oh wells, it wasn't like there were many places to go to at the 8th floor. :x

And it was only then when I opened up and talked more.

Shared my thoughts, did stupid things and just simply listened.

The most ironic thing would be that on the last day, when we were supposed to eat breakfast together, my group divided itself.

Wasn't unexpected.

The division had always been there, it's just that it became super obvious on the last day.

To be someone who leads, guides and help people, one definitely has to step out of their comfort zone.

But it's also not a one person thing.

It wouldn't work if only one person was trying.

It's like a relationship.

You need two hands to clap.

I felt super alone throughout the camp.

And kept trying to sought out my Ohana people whenever I could.

They weren't really having the same problem in the group, and I didn't want to be so extra and barge into their group.

All in all, it was a painful camp, one that showed the beginning of what's to come.

In Prep Camp, Trial Camp and FOC itself.

The cliques just start going together.

And if you're not in one, you're gonna be a loner.

'Cause have you ever tried to join a clique before?

It ain't easy.

They have a bond, which you're not a part of.

Makes me wonder why I chose to join the subcomm when I obviously don't belong. :/

Plus, it's not like you can just go up to anyone and go, "Hey, tell me more about yourself!"

It just doesn't cut it.

---------------------

I also faced more stuff about myself.

Something that..

Hasn't bothered me in a longlong while.

The gist of it, is that..

I really hate wearing specs.

I fought with believing in myself and having confidence in myself.

But it just sucks so much.

Now more so than ever.

No, people aren't judging you out loud anymore.

Unlike in secondary school, where you'd faced outright teasing.

But it doesn't mean they aren't saying things behind your back, laughing at you and all that.

It would be safe to say that contacts gave me an added confidence in myself.

And I’m pretty sure that’s why more people wear contacts nowadays.

:X

Friends would always try to comfort you and say, "No la, you're very pretty" and la di da.

But that's just what they think you wanna say.

No, I know I'm not fatfat.

But I ain't skinny either.

I'm not like those super pretty and skinny girls and all that.

I'm just me.

I'm not perfect, I'm not pretty.

The confidence I've built up from all these years just come crashing down.

The insecurities never really go away.

They are always there.

I don't say much.

Don't share much.

Don't open up all that much to the people around me.

And the funny thing is, I most probably know more about you than you know about me.

I do admit that I don't like being in the limelight.

At least not all the time.

Sometimes, just occasionally, it's nice.

Really.

To be the one that people are envious of, people admire and all that.

But with every upside, there's a downside.

And sometimes, too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

So I don't really ask for much.

Don't really expect much anymore.

'Cause I don't wanna get disappointed.

For what's the point in wishing for things that will never happen?

You can dream, but it doesn't mean it will materialise.

That's why they're called dreams.

Something you can only think about, fantasize about but never really obtain.

It's something that everyone has.

And it’s always different.

We all have problems.

We all have insecurities.

We all want things we can’t have.

We all want to be more than who we are.

But then again, the question is..

Who are we?

Who am I?

Will I really know?

When?

Am I happy?

No.

That much I know.

I’m not even satisfied.

I’ve got friends who are now all happily attached.

And the way they act sometimes just makes me wanna go sit in a corner and be all “Forever Alone.”

‘Cause that’s how it’s gonna be.

I know it better than anyone else.

And I know people will say, “If you give up on yourself, then everyone’s gonna give up on you.”

But.

I’ve already lost the inspiration.

The drive.

The something that will push me on.

I have nothing.

Hence, I have nothing to lose.

When will things be enough?

When will anything happen?

Will things always stay the same?

Will everything change?

Or is it only me?

I feel so bored with life.

So bored with everything.

Going out and all..

Is just b-o-r-i-n-g.

And with the stupid adult fare for all our public transport, going out is painful.

Money just practically disappears.

Wow, right?

The inner thoughts of AGTY.

Not all, but most.

----------------

So I’ve been holing up at home throughout my holiday.

Doing nothing much but rot.

Did loads of housework when my auntie went home.

But now she’s back.

And with TBC ending just on the 30th, I’m still pretty tired.

Yet I can’t keep sleeping.

‘Cause that’s boring too.

:o

Well, another camp is coming up on the 7th-9th of Oct.

Cyn’s coming back on the 6th.

And I’ll see her on the 9th, for the Popkids event at the Esplanade. :D

She always does make me feel better. :D

Still can’t believe that Rui Shan is volunteering for that too.

Didn’t expect her to be an Esplanade Youth (EY) too.

:o

♥ MandamandamandaG.

p.s. I wanna be confident of myself again and be a part of more things.

sick of being so extra.